I talked about losing my journal and in it I had spent a couple pages just exploring my feelings about returning to Africa just after having boarded the long trans-Atlantic flight from Atlanta to Johannesburg.
Now this entry will not be as deep or as thoughtful as that write-out was but I realized that I was quite anxious about returning to Africa. I am not quite sure just exactly where the fear and anxiety came from but it was overwhelming. I remember feeling like I was going to cry but staunchly refusing to do so because I was going to do my level best to put forward the most attractive me to the good-looking bloke sitting next to me. :-). I do know that part of my fear emanated from the realization and acknowledgement that I had changed drastically upon leaving Africa and the resulting apprehension that the new and developed me (that I quite rather like) would be incompatible with Africa, the cultures and lifestyle.
It is then somewhat ironic for me to note that the time that I spent next to good-looking bloke helped allay some of my fears. See good-looking bloke was a white south african dude and part of my anxiety had to do with noting the deep cleavages in Africa enforced by racial differences and nouveau me does not want to live out of such social constraints and institutions. So the bloke was exceedingly nice and kind to me the entire trip and I felt comfortable and like me the entire time, not like any one else, not aware of much else besides the fact that I want to be a cute me sitting next to him (yes, I know how lame that sounds, but I am chronically frank). Anyway, in the middle of our flight it got cold and good-looking bloke didn’t have a blanket and the stewardess wouldn’t give him one and I offered to share my blanket and he was cool with that. We shared my blanket for over 7000 miles.
I am not sure that my fears have completely dissipated but of this I am sure, things’ll work out fine. They’ll just have to.
Adventures in Zambia 2009 